In order to start feeling better about where I am, I decided to delve into the shadows of the issue that was brought to my attention after returning from vacation. What was it about the cabin in Grafton, New Hampshire that makes my heart yearn to return?
It was quiet.
It was peaceful.
There was so much green around me.
There were no neighbors parking in our spot.
There were no unexpected visits from the crazy landlady.
There were no arguments, no conflict.
People in general were kinder and nice!
I enjoyed having those I cared about interacting with me on a daily basis.
I didn’t have to go grocery shopping.
I didn’t have appointments to keep.
I didn’t have to bring anyone anywhere.
It was quiet.
It was peaceful.
There was so much green around me.
There were no neighbors parking in our spot.
There were no unexpected visits from the crazy landlady.
There were no arguments, no conflict.
People in general were kinder and nice!
I enjoyed having those I cared about interacting with me on a daily basis.
I didn’t have to go grocery shopping.
I didn’t have appointments to keep.
I didn’t have to bring anyone anywhere.
There was no need to keep a schedule.
No one expected things of me that I wasn’t willing to give.
How can I change my life in New Bedford, Massachusetts to be more like what I experienced in Grafton?
Environmental:
It was quiet.
It was peaceful.
There was so much green around me.
There were no neighbors parking in our spot.
There were no unexpected visits from the crazy landlady.
Interpersonal:
There were no arguments, no conflict.
People in general were kinder and nice!
I enjoyed having those I cared about interacting with me on a daily basis.
There was no need to keep a schedule.
No one expected things of me that I wasn’t willing to give.
Obligations and Responsibilities:
I didn’t have to go grocery shopping.
I didn’t have appointments to keep.
I didn’t have to bring anyone anywhere.
There was no need to keep a schedule.
No one expected things of me that I wasn’t willing to give.
At the present time I cannot change the environmental conditions I live in. My son is attending a community college nearby and he is living with us so if we were to relocate it would still need to be in the Fall River / New Bedford area so that he could get to and from his classes. My husband’s job which is what we rely on to pay our bills is also in the current area so in order to move within the next year or so he would need to find another job or I would be required to find one outside the home. If I were to do that then homeschooling our daughter would become his responsibility and he is not comfortable with that. I don’t mind homeschooling our daughter.
Interpersonal relationships are a difficult topic for me because I am not in control of how others respond to me. I am frustrated when I have expectations of my family members or friends and I express them as clearly as possible, but those expectations are not met. This leads to conflict especially when I am dealing with unmet expectations with my children. The time in New Hampshire reinforced the fact that I actually like my children, I enjoy hanging out with them. They are unique, thoughtful, and fun individuals to be around and the love I feel for them is not just a biological attachment, but it is something so much more. I believe that my relationships with each of my children are great, but being back in the city with so many things to distract them, I feel as if our interactions are not always smooth and our relationships suffer because of this. When my expectations are not met, I feel disrespected, devalued, unappreciated, and unloved. It hurts and I don’t know how to fix it. I’ve tried talking with each of them separately, and though there is a momentary change, it doesn’t last and they return to their old, comfortable behaviors. This type of situation doesn’t just happen within my immediate family situation, it occurs within the other relationships I had and currently have with others and it is why I’ve ended some of the previous relationships. I just felt badly too often to consciously continue maintaining them.
I have written a previous blog post titled One of us that also explains some of the challenges I feel I experience when trying to relate to others. And I miss my friendship with Erin.
My daily obligations and responsibilities are centered on my children, my husband, and my small home based business. I am the solitary teacher to my daughter who is homeschooled, attends a homeschooling group during the week, as well as voice lessons, taxi driver to my son who attends a community college about 20 minutes away and recently became employed, and housekeeper and cook for my husband. Now while I do not want to quit any of these “jobs” they are still obligations and responsibilities I have to my family. My home based business has been something I’ve been nurturing and growing since Autumn 2009. It has taken on different directions over the years sometimes I only had clients, sometimes I’ve had clients and a number of students … but there are schedules to maintain, and appointments to keep. I am expected to provide and deliver products and services that I advertise. Overall I love my work as much as I love my family.
But right now … I just don’t want to be involved in anything. I don’t want to worry about anyone’s schedule. I don’t want anyone to expect anything of me. Honestly, feeling this way makes me feel guilty, and selfish, and unworthy of being loved or having my own expectations met. How can I have the audacity to expect things of other people when I am unwilling to fulfill their expectations of me?
I know. I know what you’re thinking, because I’m thinking it too, I’m being a fucking hypocrite!
How do I change all this? How do I readjust myself, my energies so I can feel happy again? What do I have to do to feel better about where I am, living here in the city of New Bedford, Massachusetts surrounded by unfriendly people fulfilling my responsibilities, obligations, and expectations as a Mother, wife, business owner, and teacher / mentor?
I don’t know what to do.
No one expected things of me that I wasn’t willing to give.
How can I change my life in New Bedford, Massachusetts to be more like what I experienced in Grafton?
Environmental:
It was quiet.
It was peaceful.
There was so much green around me.
There were no neighbors parking in our spot.
There were no unexpected visits from the crazy landlady.
Interpersonal:
There were no arguments, no conflict.
People in general were kinder and nice!
I enjoyed having those I cared about interacting with me on a daily basis.
There was no need to keep a schedule.
No one expected things of me that I wasn’t willing to give.
Obligations and Responsibilities:
I didn’t have to go grocery shopping.
I didn’t have appointments to keep.
I didn’t have to bring anyone anywhere.
There was no need to keep a schedule.
No one expected things of me that I wasn’t willing to give.
At the present time I cannot change the environmental conditions I live in. My son is attending a community college nearby and he is living with us so if we were to relocate it would still need to be in the Fall River / New Bedford area so that he could get to and from his classes. My husband’s job which is what we rely on to pay our bills is also in the current area so in order to move within the next year or so he would need to find another job or I would be required to find one outside the home. If I were to do that then homeschooling our daughter would become his responsibility and he is not comfortable with that. I don’t mind homeschooling our daughter.
Interpersonal relationships are a difficult topic for me because I am not in control of how others respond to me. I am frustrated when I have expectations of my family members or friends and I express them as clearly as possible, but those expectations are not met. This leads to conflict especially when I am dealing with unmet expectations with my children. The time in New Hampshire reinforced the fact that I actually like my children, I enjoy hanging out with them. They are unique, thoughtful, and fun individuals to be around and the love I feel for them is not just a biological attachment, but it is something so much more. I believe that my relationships with each of my children are great, but being back in the city with so many things to distract them, I feel as if our interactions are not always smooth and our relationships suffer because of this. When my expectations are not met, I feel disrespected, devalued, unappreciated, and unloved. It hurts and I don’t know how to fix it. I’ve tried talking with each of them separately, and though there is a momentary change, it doesn’t last and they return to their old, comfortable behaviors. This type of situation doesn’t just happen within my immediate family situation, it occurs within the other relationships I had and currently have with others and it is why I’ve ended some of the previous relationships. I just felt badly too often to consciously continue maintaining them.
I have written a previous blog post titled One of us that also explains some of the challenges I feel I experience when trying to relate to others. And I miss my friendship with Erin.
My daily obligations and responsibilities are centered on my children, my husband, and my small home based business. I am the solitary teacher to my daughter who is homeschooled, attends a homeschooling group during the week, as well as voice lessons, taxi driver to my son who attends a community college about 20 minutes away and recently became employed, and housekeeper and cook for my husband. Now while I do not want to quit any of these “jobs” they are still obligations and responsibilities I have to my family. My home based business has been something I’ve been nurturing and growing since Autumn 2009. It has taken on different directions over the years sometimes I only had clients, sometimes I’ve had clients and a number of students … but there are schedules to maintain, and appointments to keep. I am expected to provide and deliver products and services that I advertise. Overall I love my work as much as I love my family.
But right now … I just don’t want to be involved in anything. I don’t want to worry about anyone’s schedule. I don’t want anyone to expect anything of me. Honestly, feeling this way makes me feel guilty, and selfish, and unworthy of being loved or having my own expectations met. How can I have the audacity to expect things of other people when I am unwilling to fulfill their expectations of me?
I know. I know what you’re thinking, because I’m thinking it too, I’m being a fucking hypocrite!
How do I change all this? How do I readjust myself, my energies so I can feel happy again? What do I have to do to feel better about where I am, living here in the city of New Bedford, Massachusetts surrounded by unfriendly people fulfilling my responsibilities, obligations, and expectations as a Mother, wife, business owner, and teacher / mentor?
I don’t know what to do.
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