When I was a child I would spend hours playing with my “imaginary” friends, as I grew older I would spend time in my “imaginary world” complete with specific places: like coffee shops, night clubs, stores, parks, and my friends’ homes, and as an adult I would spend time sleeping and “dreaming” or finding way to reached altered states of consciousness through prayer, meditation, and trace. And then I had the more obvious ways of escaping this reality: media. Reading, movies, TV, music, video games, and the internet brought me to those non-physical places that I enjoyed living in.
One might think that because dancing is a physical activity it would have be a good way to stay anchored in the physical dimension however for me it was an easy way out and into the “other” realms. The dancing I would do wasn’t structured like ballet. I never took a dance class that required me to learn routines or specific movements … I would just turn on the music and allow my spirit to move … which as you can
I only came to this realization about myself recently and it has been Yoga that has brought this epiphany. Perhaps to you, if you have known me for years, or we have a close friendship, you may have already recognized this about me or perhaps you just intuitively figured it out, but I hadn’t until recently … within the last couple of months or so. I realize that this urge to disconnect from my physical body has been with me for such a long time; years even, or maybe my entire lifetime on this physical plane of existence. I’m not sure why that is but I have a strong desire to discover why.
I’m sure I’ve written here on my blog before how Yoga has been cathartic for me. It is bringing both parts of me together, integrating my non-physical self and my physical self into Oneness, which apparently I haven’t experienced for years (or ever?). Because Yoga provides physical poses, precise yet graceful movement, a concentration on breath, and mental focus, it brings all aspects of me (body, mind, and spirit) into NOW – that moment however, in my own tricky way I have found myself seeking ways in which to detach especially when there is a large class at the studio and there is less focus from the instructor on me. The most challenging class, yet the most beneficial class that I’ve had was when it was just the instructor and myself because then I cannot disappear into my head … detach from what is going on physically with me.
I am so frustrated with myself. It seems that I am trying to self-sabotage and yet consciously I am trying to put my conscious intention into integration because I know and feel that it would be so freeing for me. Why, oh why, am I so desperately trying to stop myself in my personal progress! Just writing this and forcing myself to acknowledge this is so overwhelming. There’s something here … something that would be so beneficial for me to integrate.