I dissolved the coven about a month ago and tonight would be the first ritual that I held without them. It didn’t go as I had imagined. Usually this would cause stress for me because there had always been a group of us (anywhere from six to eight) holding ritual for the past five years. Last night my husband was going to hold ritual with me, but he was exhausted from work and decided to go to sleep. So I was left truly alone; physically and energetically. Honestly though, I didn’t mind. I was curious as to how it would be for me to stand alone in my cast Circle. It had been so many years since I had experienced being solitary that I had forgotten what it was like and was excited for this opportunity.
I smiled as I brought out my the first candle which was already lit as I had it burning on the dining room table earlier that evening as part of my personal preparation and as I placed it on the table I would be using as my altar, I gazed up at the moon shining above me in the darkened sky. The absence of city noises was noticeable and I appreciated the silence in that moment. The gentle wind moved around me as I raised my arms wide above my head; tears welled in my eyes as I felt my emotions stir within me. I began to sing.
“In the moonlight, listen to the Lord and Lady, call their children.”
Standing alone barefoot with the light of the moon caressing my upturned face, I sang the chant over and over and over again … softly at first but steadily becoming louder until I was as loud as I could without shouting. This wasn’t planned. I hadn’t even gotten my altar set up properly. But it didn’t matter to me, not in that moment. All that mattered was that I was standing there alone in communion with my Goddess; She and I.
I was mesmerized by the beauty of the full moon slowly traveling across the sky above me. I imagined what it was like for those who gathered out in the fields under the same moon years and years ago, my ancestors who honored the same gods as I did. My chant shifted.
“Lady of the Moon, Lady of the Moon, come to us, be with us, Lady of the Moon.”
In my conscious mind the words didn’t make sense. “Be with us? Who is us? It’s just me here. There is no us.” I reprimanded myself even as I continued to chant the words aloud. “Just go with it,” my voice said in response. So I did.
Something changed, shifted. I felt it and could see it. Perhaps my eyes had become more adjusted to the dim light in the backyard, or a cloud had drifted away from the moon allowing greater illumination of my surroundings, but something had been altered. Everything around me was clearer. It was as if I was able to see things in the yard that I hadn’t noticed before. My perceptions were sharper and I felt alive.
With a smile on my face, I stood silently on the deck my arms were resting by my sides as I gazed at the numerous pinpoints of light that danced above me. Basking in the radiance of The Lady, she had found her way from the back side of the neighbor’s roof to the front, I felt unconditional love embracing me and flowing from me. I had an overwhelming urge to go to each of the houses on our street and knock on the door so that I could hug each one of our neighbors, but I understood that the idea was irrational and unwise one being that it was so late. Or was it early? I had no idea what time it actually was. Instead I placed the first two fingers of my right hand to my lips, kissed them and saluted The Lady before returning inside the house with my still lit candle.
As I climbed into bed next to my husband I glanced at the digital clock on the nightstand and saw that it was close to 12:30. I was surprised that I had spent so much time outside; my spontaneous communion with deity had been longer than any prepared ritual, and much more intimate. I closed my eyes, but realized that sleep would not come quickly as it usually did for me. I was still too wired from my experience so I laid still and listened. I listened to my husband breathing and listened to the voice of The Lady. She spoke to me in the darkness of my bedroom. She whispered words that I will not share for they were meant for me, and me alone. It wasn’t until earlier this morning that I realized I had drawn down the moon and it hadn’t required any prewritten or preplanned ritual. It had been completely intuitive and divinely inspired. This is how my practice will be, at least for now; it will be completely lead by God Herself.
I have shed my old habits and attachments. I have open my heart to Her presence. I feel Her love within me. Her wisdom within my mind. I am a humble student of Her mysteries.