Last night I had gone to see a movie; Kong, Skull Island at a 9:05 showing. My son is employed at this theater, which is the whole reason I went to see the movie there as he had a 5:00 – 11:30 pm shift. Many times if I have to go pick him up from work at night, I will see a movie either with my daughter or alone so that I will stay awake, otherwise I easily fall asleep around 10:00 pm. My husband commutes to East Providence, RI on Tuesdays and Fridays for work, which is a 45 minute drive either way from our home in New Bedford, MA, so when my son has a Monday night shift I go get him so that my husband can go to bed at a reasonable time. My son doesn’t have his Driver’s License yet, but plans on taking Driver’s Ed classes and getting his license so that this isn’t an issue in the future.
Well, my son was finished with his shift a few minutes early and my movie was done so we returned home around a little after 11:30 and the light was off. It was dark in the vestibule. My husband was in bed sleeping and my daughter was upstairs in her room watch anime on her TV. I was upset. I was upset mostly with my husband, but I was also upset with my daughter. When I had left for the show my husband had been watching something downstairs in the living room on our TV so I know he was the last one to go upstairs and I had put the front vestibule light on specifically for myself when I left the house to return to it being off. I know that it was a mechanical thing for him to check to make sure the door was locked and lock it if it wasn’t, which it wasn’t because I had left by that door earlier, and then he mechanically flipped off the light switch and went upstairs to bed. It was all mechanical no thought or consideration that I was out. He wasn’t thinking about that. He wasn’t thinking about me not being there.
I know all of that. But it still upset me. And now the Shadow Work. I use the Socratic Method to root out the shadow that is causing me this discomfort so that I can integrate that shadow into my core, which ideally will lead me to better understanding myself and align myself with Source. So the first thing to do is to describe the situation that makes me uncomfortable, which I’ve done already with the above scenario that I explained to you. Then I ask myself the following three questions switching the order depending on my response to the prior question:
- Why do I feel this way?
- Why do I think it is "bad"?
- What does this mean to me?
So here we go:
Why do I feel this way? I feel this way (upset) because the light wasn’t left on for me and I’ve mentioned it before when it wasn’t on that “I guess no one loves me”.
Why do I think it’s ‘bad’? I think this is “bad” because to me it does show that no one realized I wasn’t home.
What does this mean to me? This means that, as I’ve already said, no one in this house loves me.
Why do I feel this way? I feel that because I am not in anyone’s scope of awareness then I mustn’t be important to them.
Why do I think it’s “bad”? I think it’s bad because if I am not important to them then I don’t understand why they stay in the home / relationship.
What does this mean to me? That they stay out of pity or just to take from me.
Why do I think it’s “bad”? It’s bad because they just take from me; there is no equal exchange.
What does this mean to me? It means that what I want is of no importance, that is has no value.
What does this mean to me? It means that if what I want is of no importance or holds no value then neither do I.
And there it is. It always comes down to that one Shadow with me. It isn’t about the actual light being off when I returned home … it isn’t even about the fact that because the light is out that means my husband and daughter don’t love me … it is because I FEEL and I BELIEVE that I am unworthy. Ugh.
The Shadow that has been rooted out is: unworthiness
There is continuous work to be done to integrate that feeling, to shift that core belief and it is very challenge work.