“We have a whole definition of what a woman is, what a man is, how a woman should behave sexually, how a man should behave sexually. Men are always too macho or too wimpy depending on who is judging. Women are always too thin or too fat. We have all these beliefs about how a woman should be in order to be beautiful. You have to buy the right clothes, create the right image, so you can be seductive and fit that image. If you don’t fit that image of beauty, you grow up believing that you’re not worthy, that no one will like you.”
- The Mastery of Love, by Don Miguel Ruiz
I read this last paragraph the other night and it struck a chord with me within the depths of my essence, within my mind. I felt the vibration throughout my entire being; etherical and physical. It echoed even as I fell asleep. My dreams were plagued with Monsters of judgment rising out of the darkness of the ocean. Yes, I had a difficult night of sleep and awoke exhausted, but joyful to see the morning light. I refused to allow myself to move on from this … to forget what I’ve read and continue to pretend that everything is alright, when it isn’t. I refuse to accept the beliefs I’ve created about myself, the same beliefs that are continuously perpetrated throughout modern society because it poisons me. It causes me more uneasiness and distress than acceptance and I long for acceptance from others (unfortunately), but most profoundly from myself. I want to find acceptance of self that for so long has been elusive.
For the last few years, I have been working on some of the deeper aspects of my Shadow because it was where I have been focused and where I intuitively knew the greatest work would be required. My work and personal transformation began with the dissolution of the Coven and has continued to be a focus. Now that it is October, once again as The Wheel turns bringing in the energetic tide of the season preparation for the coming winter has begun and I've discovered that the many surface roots of the Shadows really all connect with one greater root ... one uncomfortable wound: the feelings of being unworthy of love. Unworthiness of love, yes, that is how simplistic it is, but It's very specific in it's simplicity. Strangely enough, I have no issues with believing that I am worthy and easily accept love from children. My difficulty and personal challenge is that I do not believe nor do I accept that I am worthy of love from my peers and elders. As I swam in the depths of my own darkness, I have discovered that I possess a confidence in my “mothering” abilities and feel the value of self, the worthiness of love when interacting with, nurturing, and caring for children.
This causes me to contemplate: Is this possible because my inner child finds solace among children? Is my own inner child drawn to them because they love unconditionally?
In complete opposition, I carry an ugly fear within me that my peers and elders don’t love me, because the truth is that I am unworthy of their love. I do not fit the image and definition they hold of what a woman is and how a woman behaves, with the one caveat being when I assume the role of Mother.
To acknowledge this … to accept this … to face this Parasite … this Guardian of the Threshold … is fucking scary! I feel my heart race within my chest, I feel the tears well in my eyes … and the desire to run away and hide … and to deny.
Deny this Shadow.
And hide somewhere in that Darkness while I deny even more violently.
But I realize this is not the most beneficial thing for me to do. Running away and hiding is what that little girl within me wants to do, the little girl who doesn’t feel strong enough to deal with the Parasite, the Guardian, the Monster. She just wants to hide under the table where no one will find her and make her feel badly about who she is, what she has become.
This reminds me of a nightmare I had frequently as a child especially when I had a fever. I was running through a forest at night with the night sounds filling my ears. Something was chasing me and I was running away from it. I was scared of this thing that was chasing me through the forest. And I trip on a tree root that had grown out of the ground, falling onto my stomach. I try to get up and run away, but the thing already caught up to me. When I turn over to look at it, I am looking at me.
For the last few years, I have been working on some of the deeper aspects of my Shadow because it was where I have been focused and where I intuitively knew the greatest work would be required. My work and personal transformation began with the dissolution of the Coven and has continued to be a focus. Now that it is October, once again as The Wheel turns bringing in the energetic tide of the season preparation for the coming winter has begun and I've discovered that the many surface roots of the Shadows really all connect with one greater root ... one uncomfortable wound: the feelings of being unworthy of love. Unworthiness of love, yes, that is how simplistic it is, but It's very specific in it's simplicity. Strangely enough, I have no issues with believing that I am worthy and easily accept love from children. My difficulty and personal challenge is that I do not believe nor do I accept that I am worthy of love from my peers and elders. As I swam in the depths of my own darkness, I have discovered that I possess a confidence in my “mothering” abilities and feel the value of self, the worthiness of love when interacting with, nurturing, and caring for children.
This causes me to contemplate: Is this possible because my inner child finds solace among children? Is my own inner child drawn to them because they love unconditionally?
In complete opposition, I carry an ugly fear within me that my peers and elders don’t love me, because the truth is that I am unworthy of their love. I do not fit the image and definition they hold of what a woman is and how a woman behaves, with the one caveat being when I assume the role of Mother.
To acknowledge this … to accept this … to face this Parasite … this Guardian of the Threshold … is fucking scary! I feel my heart race within my chest, I feel the tears well in my eyes … and the desire to run away and hide … and to deny.
Deny this Shadow.
And hide somewhere in that Darkness while I deny even more violently.
But I realize this is not the most beneficial thing for me to do. Running away and hiding is what that little girl within me wants to do, the little girl who doesn’t feel strong enough to deal with the Parasite, the Guardian, the Monster. She just wants to hide under the table where no one will find her and make her feel badly about who she is, what she has become.
This reminds me of a nightmare I had frequently as a child especially when I had a fever. I was running through a forest at night with the night sounds filling my ears. Something was chasing me and I was running away from it. I was scared of this thing that was chasing me through the forest. And I trip on a tree root that had grown out of the ground, falling onto my stomach. I try to get up and run away, but the thing already caught up to me. When I turn over to look at it, I am looking at me.
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