Yesterday's class was a challenging class for me. Usually I have found that Monday's class is a slower paced class with a lot of stretches and long holds in each pose however this particular class was a much faster paced class moving from one pose to the next synchronized with our breath, which I discovered is basic Vinyasa Yoga, and we did quite a few sun salutations. I
At one point when the class was going through ... a combination of downward dog, upward dog, child's pose and repeating it synchronizing each with our breathing I became overwhelmed. I just physically couldn't keep up and that's when the internal monologue began.
"I just can't keep up. This stupid body. It just traps me. I'm trapped. I can't experience the things I want. I am so much more than this body. If I just wasn't in this body I could experience so much more. I'm trapped. I don't want to be in this body any more. I don't belong in this body. I am more. GET ME OUT!"
After we did that combination for a few times Michael, our instructor, moved us into reversed table pose. This is a position I have great difficulty with. My arms or shoulders just don't seem to have the flexibility to be positioned in the correct way and to hold my own body weight up in that position is a challenge. My core needs more strength but I tried. And I tried. I used my breath and tried again. Finally I was able to get myself into the position but only for a second. Then I tried again and was able to hold it for a few seconds more though I was not flat like a table at least I got myself up. I tried once more and was able to hold it flatter for a few more seconds as Michel came over to me giving me some verbal encouragement. The encouragement which was lovely but because I was already so overwhelmed and trying to integrate the contradicting sides of myself, I began to cry.
Why was the verbal encouragement the trigger for the tears? Do I not feel worthy of accomplishments? Do I not want recognition when I achieve something? Is it because then I am forced into the physicality of my body and recognize that I can be in this body and still be 'free'?
I just don't know.
Is it this particular body I have an issue with? Or is it any physical body? If I were thinner would I still be having these issues of wanting to continuously escape the physical realm? Did I put on the body weight so that I would be heavier and grounded to the physical because I have a constant desire to escape and travel the astral?
I was discussing this with my husband last night. And I was concerned that I was lying to myself when I say that I love myself. But I honestly don't think I am lying. I do love who I am. I am frustrated at times that because of the extra weight I am not able to maneuver into certain yoga poses but I don't get angry with myself. I realize that with time I will get into the positions. And when I say that I love myself I mean my complete self - the physical and non-physical me ... but then my husband pointed out that my physical is an expression of the non-physical so he believes that yes, I do love me. But this Shadow is about being manifested in the physical realm in any form.
I just don't want to be here.