There was no need to know what day it was or what time it was. We prepared food when we were hungry and went to bed when we were tired. No one expected anything from me that I wasn’t willing or ready to give. At night we could see the stars and the moon clearly, we heard the coyotes howling to each other, the crickets and other night life chirping and buzzing. Food tasted better. The air was fresher. And the people that we did encounter were nicer.
I didn’t want to come home to New Bedford. No, seriously, I know people say that sort of thing a lot after they return from a vacation, but I mean it. I did not want to come home. I cried the day before we left knowing that was our last day there and I was filled with sorrow at the thought that we had to leave. And even as I sit here and type this blog post, I am in tears because the desire to return to that cabin in New Hampshire is so great I can’t bear it.
I don’t want to be here.
I don’t want this life that I have been living, imagining that I am happy and content when it is so clear to me now, that I’m not. I have been deceiving myself, but for how long? I don’t know and I’m not actually sure what to do about it. I don’t know what or how to change so that I will actually be happy with my life. What I do know is I was happy at that cabin with my family and I want that happiness back. I experienced an inner peace that is beyond my ability to express here in words. I was home and I want to return.
I feel like this is all a part of the huge transformation that I’ve been undergoing. I feel like I am in the middle of The Tower card experience, I am a caterpillar going through metamorphous to become a butterfly, but I’m struggling. Each day since I’ve been back has been more than just a little difficult and I’m finding it hard to smile. Honestly there have been more tears than laughter.