My sister, who is four years younger, is visiting with my two nieces from Texas. She moved to the Lonely Star state about three years ago for a number or reasons, but that is her story to share, and has come home for my nephew’s college graduation. She arrived in Massachusetts the first weekend in June and is planning to drive back to Austin at the end of July. And I’m going to miss her. To be completely transparent concerning my feelings about her departure; I don’t want her to go. I simply don’t want her to leave. And as surprising as it was, when I sat here at my PC and typed out the proceeding words, tears rolled down my face. I understand that my desire for her to stay is completely selfish and that these feelings are premature because she still has two more weeks in Massachusetts, but I can only imagine that my desire will not diminish, but grow. And, yes, I realize that it is completely necessary for her to return to Texas, but if I had the ability to keep her here without compromising her and my nieces’ well-being, I would. Seriously, I would cast a fucking powerful spell and it would manifest.
This inner desire is surprising to me because of the history that she and I shared. We have had what I would call, if we were a dating couple, an on-again off-again relationship; when we were children we would play together, share secrets, and friends, as we got older our interests and friends changed so we were distance, once we became Mother’s with children we were close again, always at each other’s apartments, taking family camping trips together, attending the same ceramics class and spending adult “Mommy” time with each other, but then as we dealt with our separate divorces, child care issues, abusive relationships, we would barely see or speak with each other, and most recently we didn’t even live in the same state and seemed to disagree on so many important issues it became difficult to maintain open communication and felt to me as if we weren’t even friends any longer. How deceiving the surface of something so complicated can be!
My sister’s visit came at the most opportune time in my life. Some would suggest coincidence, but since I am not the sort of individual that believes in chance or randomness, I would propose it was simple synchronicity or perhaps even the greater concept that God Herself provides each of us with situations and circumstances that are most beneficial for our individual spiritual growth. This particular time in my life is one of transformation. With the dissolution of the coven and the consequential events that followed, I was plunged into a great energetic shift, a trip through the cauldron of Ceridwen where I have gained great revelations that continually surprise me. Not all of them are pleasant and many of them cause me great distress and sadness; the one I experienced this very morning was one of these integral moments of personal gnosis.
I was standing at the kitchen sink washing some of the straggling dishes and glasses from last night’s delicious Nacho dinner that was prepared by my son, my sister, and myself when I found my mind contemplating the thoughts I have previously described in this post, which lead me to the understanding that the problems and challenges that I perceived in the relationship with my sister where either; not real issues we had, but were ones that I had projected onto our relationship instead of dealing with them in the place they actually existed, which was the relationship I had with my parents, or were problems that she and I had due to the influence and conditioning of our parents or were learned behaviors from our parents since childhood. While this revelation granted me a new freedom within the relationship we shared and lead to us creating stronger bonds between us, it has been the catalyst for a volcano of feelings regarding my relationship with my parents; confusion, frustration, disappointment, sorrow, and anger have all bubbled to the surface. How can something that appeared to be one thing actually be something entirely different? I’ve been struggling with the relationship with my parents for some time now, but I feel that I don’t want to smile and ignore the issues any longer. It is so deceptive, and fake, and toxic. My sister has unknowingly aided me in birthing these great revelations, but they have in the process destroyed the inherently flawed false idol that I have been worshipping almost since conception. And with this great sorrow I know not what to do.
My sister’s visit came at the most opportune time in my life. Some would suggest coincidence, but since I am not the sort of individual that believes in chance or randomness, I would propose it was simple synchronicity or perhaps even the greater concept that God Herself provides each of us with situations and circumstances that are most beneficial for our individual spiritual growth. This particular time in my life is one of transformation. With the dissolution of the coven and the consequential events that followed, I was plunged into a great energetic shift, a trip through the cauldron of Ceridwen where I have gained great revelations that continually surprise me. Not all of them are pleasant and many of them cause me great distress and sadness; the one I experienced this very morning was one of these integral moments of personal gnosis.
I was standing at the kitchen sink washing some of the straggling dishes and glasses from last night’s delicious Nacho dinner that was prepared by my son, my sister, and myself when I found my mind contemplating the thoughts I have previously described in this post, which lead me to the understanding that the problems and challenges that I perceived in the relationship with my sister where either; not real issues we had, but were ones that I had projected onto our relationship instead of dealing with them in the place they actually existed, which was the relationship I had with my parents, or were problems that she and I had due to the influence and conditioning of our parents or were learned behaviors from our parents since childhood. While this revelation granted me a new freedom within the relationship we shared and lead to us creating stronger bonds between us, it has been the catalyst for a volcano of feelings regarding my relationship with my parents; confusion, frustration, disappointment, sorrow, and anger have all bubbled to the surface. How can something that appeared to be one thing actually be something entirely different? I’ve been struggling with the relationship with my parents for some time now, but I feel that I don’t want to smile and ignore the issues any longer. It is so deceptive, and fake, and toxic. My sister has unknowingly aided me in birthing these great revelations, but they have in the process destroyed the inherently flawed false idol that I have been worshipping almost since conception. And with this great sorrow I know not what to do.
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