My relationships with other people are what I value. I tend to hold onto them even when they are beyond their expiration date; when there are clear indications that the relationship has gone sour and should be discarded, but I still tend to hold on to it because it is so difficult for me to let it go. There must be a way to salvage the relationship. There must be something I can do or try to keep it. Why is it so difficult for me to be blunt and just tell them that our relationship is no longer working for me? Why do I resist? Why? What am I afraid of? Am I afraid of being alone? This is clearly something I should contemplate.
When the relationship has clearly ended and the ties are severed; I mourn. I mourn what we shared. I mourn what will no longer be. I allow myself time to experience the sadness and to heal from the loss; this is what is painful. Sometimes I find it is so difficult to comprehend why it was necessary for the relationships to end, especially when the end wasn’t something I consciously desired or intended. It adds to my confusion when the explanations or reasons for ending the relationships are muddled with false understandings of my communicated thoughts and speculated insights or when those that I were involved in the relationships with twist my motives or intentions to suit some preconceived beliefs they concocted about me in their minds. I’m saddened to stand in a space alone, when at one time I stood in that same space surrounded by those who I believed once loved me unconditionally. Obviously that is a false belief I held about them. I held unconditional love for them, but it was clearly not reciprocated. Unconditional love is limitless, complete, and absolute. Unconditional love means being able to reconcile any and all perceived differences within a relationship. Unconditional love does not hold grudges, does not search for things to be angry about or seeks to find a compilation of things that divide those in the relationship; instead it searches for things that unify and encourages harmony.
Regardless of their irrational behavior, their exaggerated emotional responses to me, my words, and deeds, their blatant disrespect for me and my position, or their simple apathy, and even when I was frustrated by any or all of these characteristics … I still loved them unconditionally … and I still love them now. I perceive their beautiful souls, their colorful personalities; the individuals that they are, stripped of their insecurities and fears and I still have a desire to have them in my life because of what I perceive, but I logically understand that it is not meant to be and in the moment when I unfriended the last one of them on facebook I felt a deep resonating grief.
It seems that we’ve reached the expiration date.