Well, this morning's class was a challenge. I believe it is because I have discovered this Shadow and revealed its existence within me to other people, which makes it difficult - if not impossible to deny its presence. I believe that sharing my personal journey with the integration of this Shadow is beneficial for me because I tend to be someone who is uncomfortable with allowing myself to be vulnerable (another Shadow?) around others so I want to
Sometimes our Yoga class is less physically challenging than others. I find that Monday's class tends to be softer while Wednesday's class tends to be more active movement though it is also dependent on the other people who show up for class. I enjoy both types of classes ... hell, I enjoy Yoga. Period. Well, today's class felt very physical which I thought I was prepared for. We were in the middle of working on lunges (I think) when Michael began giving me some direction and I just ... lost my focus. I had felt the wave of emotion begin only moments before he spoke to me but I was managing to keep my focus on my breath, how my muscles felt beneath my skin, where to position each part of my body to keep the lines straight, my heart chakra open ... but once I heard Michael speak my name ... all that intense focus was gone. I felt the non-physical part of me screaming inside like an animal throwing itself against the bars of its cage or captive child banging on door of her room ...
"GET ME OUT OF THERE! LET ME GO! I WANT OUT!"
I had so many thoughts whirl through my mind once I recognized this seemingly sudden desire to disconnect and escape. When I heard myself screaming at myself ... the tears flowed. I took Child's pose and just allowed the emotions to surface. I cried. I was upset at myself for not wanting to stay engaged when I so desperately wanted to be here in the physical so why am I not allowing myself to do so? I felt frustrated. Confused. Concerned. And afraid. What is so "dark:" that I have kept it buried for so many years? Am I going to be able to figure this out?