My husband and I have been watching the TV series Dexter on Netflix and it has been bringing up some questions for me about myself. The show is based on the novels written by Jeff Lindsay. If you haven’t ever heard of or watched the show, let me give you a brief description of the plot. Dexter Morgan is the main character and he is a blood spatter pattern analyst for the Miami Metro Police Department. He is also a serial killer. Each week there is a case the police department is working on and we see that Dexter has a ‘code’ where he kills only the guilt parties that the police are unable to convict. We also receive back story on Dexter and his family, and usually there is an over arching storyline that weaves each episode. We are enjoying the show but as I said, it is bringing up some questions about myself from myself. These questions are mostly about my own mental health.
Could I be a psychopath? Delusional? Mentally ill?
If you know me on any level, you may be scoffing at these questions and thinking that I am just being foolish because there is no way that I could be psychopath or delusional. But if you’ve ever watched the show I’m discussing then you would know that those surrounding Dexter also have no idea of the monster he really is. He seems like just the average guy; someone that his co-workers, his sister and his girlfriend just think is a ‘dork’ or ‘introvert’, you know, the quiet guy. Isn’t that how most people describe psychopaths when they are discovered to be truly disturbed serial killers? (I am not a serial killer. I don’t go around killing anyone – but I might be disturbed.)
A psychopath is defined as either an aspect of personality or as a personality disorder. It is characterized by enduring antisocial behavior, diminished empathy and remorse and disinhibited behavior. So, perhaps no, I’m not a psychopath. I mean, an individual could not be a psychic empath and a psychopath, could they? How could I be empathic and possess diminished empathy? That would be a serious contradiction. Unless, of course, I’m a liar and I’m faking it all – deluding myself. Could that be it? Maybe I’m not an empath. Maybe I’m just a cold hearted bitch pretending to be feeling and empathetic to blend in with others and seem somewhat normal.
I’m sure you are wondering what makes me believe I might be a psychopath. Well, I’ve been told by a few people that: I am cold-hearted, that I lack sensitivity, that I am selfish, focused on my own desires and interested without consideration to what others want, think or feel, that I am arrogant, manipulative, lack true empathy for anyone but myself, that I rewrite the past to serve my own purpose and that my beliefs change on a whim so that I have no consistency to what I say or state as truth. I’ve been feeling disconnected from others around me – as if I don’t belong here. And I don’t want to forget to mention that I hear and see things that ‘aren’t really there’. Aren’t these all signs of someone who has a mental disorder? If I were to walk into a therapist office and explain these things about myself wouldn’t he or she diagnose me with some mental illness and medicate me? Well, perhaps that would be the best thing.
And then I think that I can’t be the only one who feels this way. Can I? I mean, the majority of people who believe in the validity of multiple dimensions and realms of existence, those of us who might fit into the metaphysical category, on some level, all experience things that traditional science cannot explain but do they also have some of the other ‘symptoms’ that I do? My husband tried to explain through logical thinking that I am not mentally ill, that I am not a psychopath, nor am I delusional, or narcissistic. He reassured me that I have a set of morals and reason, that others opinions of me are just reflections of who they are – not who I am. It is because I am confident in my own desires and beliefs that other people (including himself) will project their own insecurities onto me but this doesn’t mean I should change.
I suppose he’s got a point there. But I worry sometimes that the issue is with me. As I dissect myself, evaluate what I feel, what I think, and how I perceive the world and people around me, I often find that I can not seem to integrate comfortably and would prefer to observe from a distance, which causes me to feel more disassociated with the majority of the population. I don’t know how to ‘fix’ it and frankly, I don’t think I want to if that means compromising my Authentic Self and True Will.
If you know me on any level, you may be scoffing at these questions and thinking that I am just being foolish because there is no way that I could be psychopath or delusional. But if you’ve ever watched the show I’m discussing then you would know that those surrounding Dexter also have no idea of the monster he really is. He seems like just the average guy; someone that his co-workers, his sister and his girlfriend just think is a ‘dork’ or ‘introvert’, you know, the quiet guy. Isn’t that how most people describe psychopaths when they are discovered to be truly disturbed serial killers? (I am not a serial killer. I don’t go around killing anyone – but I might be disturbed.)
A psychopath is defined as either an aspect of personality or as a personality disorder. It is characterized by enduring antisocial behavior, diminished empathy and remorse and disinhibited behavior. So, perhaps no, I’m not a psychopath. I mean, an individual could not be a psychic empath and a psychopath, could they? How could I be empathic and possess diminished empathy? That would be a serious contradiction. Unless, of course, I’m a liar and I’m faking it all – deluding myself. Could that be it? Maybe I’m not an empath. Maybe I’m just a cold hearted bitch pretending to be feeling and empathetic to blend in with others and seem somewhat normal.
I’m sure you are wondering what makes me believe I might be a psychopath. Well, I’ve been told by a few people that: I am cold-hearted, that I lack sensitivity, that I am selfish, focused on my own desires and interested without consideration to what others want, think or feel, that I am arrogant, manipulative, lack true empathy for anyone but myself, that I rewrite the past to serve my own purpose and that my beliefs change on a whim so that I have no consistency to what I say or state as truth. I’ve been feeling disconnected from others around me – as if I don’t belong here. And I don’t want to forget to mention that I hear and see things that ‘aren’t really there’. Aren’t these all signs of someone who has a mental disorder? If I were to walk into a therapist office and explain these things about myself wouldn’t he or she diagnose me with some mental illness and medicate me? Well, perhaps that would be the best thing.
And then I think that I can’t be the only one who feels this way. Can I? I mean, the majority of people who believe in the validity of multiple dimensions and realms of existence, those of us who might fit into the metaphysical category, on some level, all experience things that traditional science cannot explain but do they also have some of the other ‘symptoms’ that I do? My husband tried to explain through logical thinking that I am not mentally ill, that I am not a psychopath, nor am I delusional, or narcissistic. He reassured me that I have a set of morals and reason, that others opinions of me are just reflections of who they are – not who I am. It is because I am confident in my own desires and beliefs that other people (including himself) will project their own insecurities onto me but this doesn’t mean I should change.
I suppose he’s got a point there. But I worry sometimes that the issue is with me. As I dissect myself, evaluate what I feel, what I think, and how I perceive the world and people around me, I often find that I can not seem to integrate comfortably and would prefer to observe from a distance, which causes me to feel more disassociated with the majority of the population. I don’t know how to ‘fix’ it and frankly, I don’t think I want to if that means compromising my Authentic Self and True Will.
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